I’m sorry I get so jealous…I really am. And I know there’s a double standard right now, with you being more tolerant of me messing up than I am of you. That needs to change. I need to accept it. It’s just hard when his name is “hot body pat” or whatever it was. Maybe I should start giving names to my future hookups. At the same time though, I’m well aware of how hooking up with a friend, in the end, really doesn’t mean anything. I’m guilty of it too (from last year).

It just makes me feel bad about myself when you don’t remember a conversation. Like, was it just that boring that you were able to essentially fall asleep in the middle of it? Is it even worth calling next time? You didn’t even seem bothered by it.

And I know both of us (well I know I really am) are stressed out to the max right now, and that’s the main reason i’m just not coping right now. I’m sorry for that.

so i just looked at all 97 pictures of us on fb. and i just want to take some more haha I need to FOCUS

kinda suprised about the birthday present stuff. not gonna lie. i'm just kinda taken back.

you're not going to believe any of the "bullshit" I'm going to feed you later, but just know its true.

and now i'm entering my jealousy phase. lovely.

fight the urge, john. fight it.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me? The past 2ish weeks i've just been getting more and more introverted, and then it hit tonight.

I don't want to talk with anybody, do anything. I'm now sitting in my room, essentially sober as I try to figure something to get myself to do so I just don't sit here. A movie doesn't even sound appealing. Driving just sounds boring now-I have nowhere to explore. ATO is full of people just doing their own thing. Downstairs is...downstairs-full of drama and nothing else.

I'm sick of everyone here. I need to get away, but I have nowhere to go and no one to go with.

I don't want to text ya with all of this right now because I don't want to kill your night too.

when i stress out, i seriously cannot concentrate. at all. all i can do is think about all i've got to do. damn bio paper. damn bio test. damn 2 psych papers. damn chem test. damn collecting data for that lab. damn pre lab. damn take home quiz. where the fuck did all my time go? fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

You want to know what I miss about you right now?

Your spontaneity. How easy it is to love you on shitty, rainy days like this. How you could randomly say something and it instantly brightens my day. I love how well you know me, and still how hard you try to know me. I love you because you're a cool person. I'm never bored around you, ever.

And that's why I now miss you more than ever.

i'd also like to mention that i took for grant-it all those times I got to say I love you to your face.

i really do hate to hear that.

you're not the only one crying if it makes you feel better.

...and so it begins, i guess.

hope she's treating you well. glad to hear your drive was safe.

A lot of you lingers here with me too. I can't tell you how much I've thought about you today. and how much I've stressed eaten. oh, and did i mention how i really didn't sleep last night? Withdrawls of emotion are a powerful, powerful thing. I just want to be alone. I haven't really told anyone that much yet. I'm wide awake and its 12:18. I've had no caffine today. I wish I could say I could get some great studying done. I hope she's treating you well. I hope you're doing well.

time to go get some work done.

I wish there was an easy answer.

Losing my relationship of 2 years is challenging.

as i've said for forever and ever, the emotional/rational divide applies here. emotionally, i don't understand what the fuck i just did. if i was happy (which i was), then why did I change anything? emotionally, i'd be happy for life.

rationally contradicted everything i did.

but life is neither rational nor emotional.



In the end, losing my relationship with you will be tough.


losing my best friend will destroy me, though.



and for the record, i cried again tonight.

Patiently,
You slipped away from me.
It's not alright
you couldn't put up no fight.
But patiently,
the well ran dry.
You needed more water,
you needed more.
But patiently,
you slipped away from me.
Oh, God I want you back.
Oh, God I miss you my friend,
oh so patiently

Patiently,
I went home that night
and i sat down to write.
But I couldnt think of anything to write that night.
Patiently, you took it all with you.
The sun, the moon, the stars
are nuthin without you.

I know you're not a lyrics guy, but as often as you listen to this cd, you should be able to recognize it haha

since when do you turn to alcohol to solve your problems?

I feel like I cant really say anything right, so I didnt.

So I decided to get drunk tonight. Good decision right?

No manifesto written by me tonight. Nothing by you either, I see. Oh well.


I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart.
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart.
Tell me you love me, and come back and haunt me

But really, I was very suprised with how much revenge you wanted. I guess I had never seen you in that light before.

complete failure and an inability to ever fully fix it is something an aspiring perfectionist has great trouble accepting

Also something else: if I'm the reason that your libidio went away (I assume the answer is yes), then I feel that I should suffer as well. I'm going to hold off on all things sexual until your's returns back to normal. Part of this attempt of a return to normalcy begins with self-control, and this should be a good start.

Thirdly, don't worry about that "one more question" text I sent. Really. I don't want to know the answer now anyways because I'm afraid I already know it.

Goodnight, problems.

this isn't good.

the more tired I get, I start stressing about completely random things again, and start thinking of ways to destress.

I need to stop this, because if this stays around all semester, I'll be fucked.

stop it.

you are not a pussy.

and yes i will fight this battle with you.

the only remotely close thing to be a pussy is how short your entry is :)

i am such a pussy.

fuck my life.

and I go to sleep, but this time I'm alone.